"Touch" by Troye Sivan, Thursday, September 9, 2021
GLOW IS LOW AND IT'S DIMMING. The jazz playing on the retro-looking CD player was a little loud for quiet conversation, which made the conversation a bit louder than a comfortable level. And Josh had recently become comfortable whispering about the intimate details of his life--not shouting them in the public forum. "So you haven't been to the hill, you don't drink, and you've only just started meeting men," Nam put down his iced Americano beginning his rant. "This is what religion does. It makes you scared to be your natural self. Why do people let their needs and urges be dictated by rules set up by man?" "I don't think that religion is the issue," Josh said, partially obscuring his face with his mug of dark-brew. "I don't believe that the rules are set up arbitrarily. I think they serve a purpose, but it takes people knowing themselves to know when they have to break the rules." Nam sat up straight. "You know, your religion has killed so many of people like us, either directly or indirectly by causing people to kill themselves when they realized that they can't follow the man-made rules." The song changed, and the conversation got quieter in the coffee shop. Nam leaned toward Josh. Look, you're in your late 20s and you've been too scared to be yourself. I wasn't raised with religion, but my culture also had me in my mid-20s, sleeping with women in confusion, hating my confusing feelings," Nam said quieter as the slower jazz track played. "I don't know what to say about that," Josh looked into Nam's eyes, his round frames and thick lenses had masked a vulnerability that now Nam was finally allowing Josh to see. Josh decided to let his guard down a little bit, too.
IN TOTAL DARKNESS I REACH OUT AND TOUCH. "Meals are an invented construct," Nam sat up straight again and flicked his straw in his melting ice. "What do you mean?" "Think about it, if you're hungry, you should just eat. It doesn't matter what time it is. It doesn't matter if it's lunch, dinner, a snack--your body tells you it's time to eat." "But we can't do that. We don't have lunch breaks when we're really hungry." "Exactly!" moving his hands in emphasis, almost spilling his drink. "Some people would just eat all the time, and get fat." "Aren't there already fat people? I'm just saying, why do we allow society's rules to dictate what's right and what's wrong? They want to say that people can't drink or eat certain things. They say that two men can't share a coffee and conversation. They say that you've gotta eat a balanced meal with your vegetables. Well, sometimes you're just hungry after working all day and you just want the instant ramen. Sometimes that's all you have time for? Who is God to judge?" Josh thought it over for a few minutes. He thought about the Bible study he had had that afternoon with Lucile. To her the Bible verse was about sin that other people commit and how the righteous must pray for the restoration of the fallen. Josh determined that he being part of the righteous was too tall an order, so when he got home, he decided to see whatever happened with the first message in his inbox on AdamsCloset. "What would we do if I came to Seoul tonight?" "Cuddle," Nam responded. His body pic of a toned chest and a flourishing tattoo peaking above his waistband sealed the deal that evening. A few hours later, in the cafe, covered with layers of an understated fashion unflattering to the man underneath, Nam warmed again to Josh. "So, do you want to get out of here." He looked again at Josh, reaching out touch his hand. "So, Josh, are you hungry?" Josh looked down into his coffee. "I--uh--don't know. We--uh--just ate." Josh thought about the train schedule. It was late. If not with Nam, where would he sleep that night? If he didn't take this opportunity, would he not spend the whole night looking to replicate this experience? Would he not spend the night in jjimjilbang on AdamsCloset tortured in a hunger he was too afraid to satisfy. Meeting Nam's eye, he finally said, "I'm starving."
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